So long 2010!! Thanks for (just about) fuck all....

At this time of year it's customary for self-important bastards and dedicated narcissists alike (also known as bloggers) to look back and reflect upon the important shit that happened during the prior twelve months and offer their pithy and humourous commentary about how it impacted them personally. You know, like anybody actually gives a flying fuck what all of these self-absorbed wankers think about anything at all (and judging by the fact that I have been doing this for over a year now and have an audience of about 5 people total,  it's become blindingly obvious that just about nobody on the planet gives a flying toss about what I have to say about a goddamned thing).

So, with that in mind, and far be it from me to rock that boat, here is my look back on 2010.

Some bad shit happened (fires, floods, earthquakes, landslides, riots etc but nowhere that impacted white people too much so no-one really gave a shit). Then some REALLY bad shit happened as well (in the US republicans took control of the House of Representatives, whilst in the UK Nick Clegg sold his soul for a seat at the kiddies table in the new conservative governement - Grade A wanker that he is). Some truly awful things happened too (the Chicago Cubs traded Ryan Theriot and Derek Lee for what amounted to a handful of beans. And no, they weren't magic beans. They didn't even make you fart, that would have at least been funny).

In entertainment news some massively over-paid famous people died, some of them got married, most of them got divorced and Mel Gibson got drunk, abusive and arrested. That last one isn't really news, I know, but like Charlie Sheen's life you just can't help but look can you? Oh, that reminds me, is Lindsay Lohan in, or out of rehab? I just can't keep up. Oh to be young, rich, and stacked. Apparently that gets you a rotating door at the LA County jail instead of the 24 hour lockdown you would get if you didn't have an agent, a high-priced lawyer, the ability to suck a golf ball through a garden hose, or big, firm, tanned tits. But I digress.

In the world of sport a few teams won, every other team didn't, and come 2011 no-one will remember either way (the only exception being the famous Ashes victory over the convicts on their own soil for the first time in 24 years by the England cricket team. THAT result will live forever..Suck it losers!!!!!)

In the world of politics, well, you know what happened, read the rest of this blog if you don't and stop being such lazy gits, I'm not going to spoon-feed you a year's worth of my political rants in one offering.

On a personal note my long-suffering wife still hasn't divorced me (thank you honey, if you left I still wouldn't be able to do my own laundry and the dog would never get walked), my kid still thinks I'm a great dad, although closer to the truth is she's the best kid a parent could ever ask for and I just got damned lucky.

But the single most significant (and potentially devastating) piece of news in 2010 is that Justin Fucking Beiber got nominated for two Grammy awards. Can you believe it? I mean really, who is shitting whom? The little bastard isn't old enough to vote and he already has more money than I will make in ten lifetimes, he looks like a smug little git, (I swear I want to slap that smirk right off his face) and now the Grammys have validated his god-awful dross by nominating him for two awards.

As a culture, we are totally fucked.

Happy New Year all!!!

...And now, over to the sportsdesk...

Says it all really....I feel really badly for the Austr....oh who am I kidding? No I don't, we kicked your arses by an innings and 157 runs to retain the Ashes!! I feel as sorry for you lot as you did for us four years ago...

ENGLAND CRICKET RULES!!!!!

And now back to the newsdesk...

Who let the dogs out..or why Obama can't seem to stop shooting himself in the foot...

After a mad dash across the finish line for the Lame-Duck Congress, President Obama managed to pass some legislation that wasn't actually part of the GOP's grand scheme of permanently screwing over the poor. He passed DADT repeal that will finally allow openly gay Americans to serve their country in uniform, and he agreed to rollback restrictive Wilderness legislation put in place by his predecessor that will allow for the protection of millions of acres of wilderness that now won't get stained with the taint of 'Big Oil'.

All good in the 'hood, right? Well, no. Not exactly.

Apparently unable to go a week without pissing off one section of his base or another (this week it's the animal-lovers that get the shaft), the President got on the phone and congratulated the multi-millionaire owner of the NFL Philadelphia Eagles for giving another multi-millionaire a second chance to make shitloads of money after he got out of the joint. Ordinarily Liberals and Progressives are all about the 'rehabilitation' concept. We are normally all 'compassion' and 'redemption' when it comes to crimes and how you ought to treat non-hardened criminals after they've done their time. But in this case Obama has unwittingly stuck both feet in the brown-and-smelly and really fired up a shit-storm of outrage on the interwebs.

For those of you that don't know what I am on about I am of course talking about convicted felon, and NFL quarterback, Michael Vick. He plead guilty to a series of felonies a few years ago, said he was sorry (without specifying what he was actually sorry for, his crimes or the fact that he got caught) put on his orange jumpsuit and then went to the Big House to did his time. Now fast-forward a few years and, after the NFL rescinded their farcical "ban" on him (with his stats there was no way wasn't going to be allowed back) he's now the starting QB for the red-hot Philadelphia Eagles.

But here's where it gets problematic for Obama. This wasn't your typical crime. This wasn't a case of some guy that got pinched for doing something stupid or rash. This wasn't a case of a guy being thrown in the slammer for too many unpaid parking tickets. This is a case where "he paid his debt to society" does not apply. Not even remotely. Michael Vick was a key part of a vicious, cruel and inhumane dog-fighting ring, and he was personally responsible for the deaths of at least seven of his dogs either by drowning or strangulation. I won't show you the "after" pictures of his dogs because they are revolting, and unbelievably upsetting, but suffice it to say that they are enough to move many a peace-loving liberal to suggest that the only way that Michael Vick will have truly "paid his debt" is when he steps into a cage full of those very same dogs wearing nothing more than a suit made of bacon.

I am one of those liberals.

Michael Vick is a superbly gifted athlete no doubt, and in this culture that means he's pretty much forgiven if he shows enough 'remorse' and his crime wasn't murder or being gay, but I still can't square the circle enough to get past the vicious evil this man was a part of purely for his profit and pleasure... The bigger shame is that the President apparently didn't see that as a problem either.

Salad bars are the newest target for terrorists...only 6 Americans are threatened...

This is quite possibly the most stupid thing I have read in, well, probably at least the last 24 hours.

Apparently the same goat-fucking rocket scientists that brought you the shoe-bomber (sans lighter), the underpants bomber (again sans ignition device) and the printer cartridge "bombs" that weren't actually, you know, explosive, have figured out that the next way to strike fear into the hearts of the infidels is to poison the salad bars in restaurants across the United States. These guys apparently think that the television shows exported from the US are truly representative of the overall American population. You know, where everyone is slim, massively in shape, never smoke and, apparently, no-one ever has to go to the toilet.

Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. In reality we're all a bunch of meat-eating, carbohydrate-consuming lard arses over here and the closest we ever get to a fucking salad is if there is a piece of lettuce on the bacon double-cheese burgers we are stuffing down our gullets. So it would appear that the stupid arab git that has been causing all of this ruckus, Al Kider, has completely missed the mark with this latest strategy. Boy, I bet he feels stupid.

And I thought the republicans were uptight arseholes....or, this will REALLY start riots...

..in a desperate move to appear relavent in the crazy world of right-wing dumb-fuckery, it appears that one of the brain-dead Hooray Henrys employed by Great Britain's newest Prime Minister, David Camerwrong, has decided that it would be a jolly good idea to outlaw online porn.

Yup, online porn.

Not fixing massive unemployement, or reinvigorating the non-existent manufacturing base, or dealing with the spiralling debt problems, or the students rioting in the streets because they don't think that a 300% increase in tuition fees is fair or reasonable. Nope. The most important thing this guy can think of is how to stop people from looking at porn by making them ask their ISP's for it. "Please sir, can I have some porn?"

This is what happens when you put idiots in positions of power.

Look, this doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell of ever coming to fruition (and yes I know I just wrote 'balls' and 'coming' in the same sentence please keep your dirty thoughts to yourselves) but the fact that some do-gooder on the Uptight-Right thought this was even okay to say out loud should be alarming. I know that the UK had a really rough go of it with the last bunch of power-grabbing authoritarian nanny-state wankers in Westminster Palace, but if you try and take away people's porn there really WILL be rioting in the streets...I can already see the signs  "Keep your hands off my junk", "Fair play to all wankers", "Come one, come all".....On second thoughts...that could be quite a giggle...

To paraphrase Charlton Heston, "You can have my porn when you pry it from my cold, dead, sticky hands"...