Welcome to another episode of "As the GOP implodes.."

"...brought to you by, Bain Capital, outsourcing American jobs for three decades, Bain Capital, No Bain - No Pain.."

*Fade in to the wretched, tear-stained wrinkly face of Todd Akin staring bleakly into a mirror*

TA: "I don't understand why they hate me so.."
Mirror: "Maybe because you're a soul-less, ignorant fucktard?"
TA: "But I apologized and everything!"
Mirror: "Yes, but they can smell bullshit a mile away, besides saying 'I used the wrong words' doesn't absolve you of the fact that you are a soul-less, ignorant fucktard."
TA: "But the VP pick agrees with me...he co-sponsored legislation that changed the definition of rape only just last year!"
Mirror: "Yes, well, he's got his own problems to deal with, that legislation you both voted on would have banned IV fertilization, the method his future boss used to get his wife pregnant with three of their five children. So he's going to throw your ignorant, soul-less fucktard ass under the bus all day long...plus he has a math problem...he forgot that he asked for $20 mill from the Govt stimulus he railed against, he forgot that his wife had a trust with $5 million in it, and let's no forget he's a "devout catholic" that worships a chain-smoking atheist that espouses the "fuck you jack, I've got mine" approach to civic duty...so yeah, he's not going to come to your defense anytime soon.."
TA: "But how come everyone on Fox News hates me too? They work for us, right? Someone needs to remind them of that fact.."
Mirror: "Sure, everyone knows they're our mouthpiece, that's less of a secret than fat people like to eat, but you can't just piss off 50 percent of their viewers and expect them to still want to spoon with you at night..."
TA: "But I'm not the only one that thinks this way, the party platform says that even if women get pregnant by rape or incest they shouldn't be able to get an abortion."
Mirror: "Look Todd, just because you belong to a political group that actively hates 50 percent of the population, doesn't mean they or you are right, hell even the self-loathing log-cabin guys are up in arms about your platform."
TA: "Yeah, but who gives a shit about those fairies? They still haven't figured out that their entire existence is a contradiction in terms...What is it about "We hate your fairy asses so much that if we could, we'd stone you all to death in a public square every sunday before going to church" don't that understand? Shoot, they make about as much sense as a chicken voting for Col. Sanders."
Mirror: "Yeah Todd, let's not go there shall we? I'd have thought that you guys have heard enough talk about gay folk and fried chicken to last a lifetime.."
TA: "You're making me hungry."
Mirror: "Todd, pay attention, you have a real problem on your hands, everyone, including your own party, wants you to get out of the race."
TA: "Fuck them, I'll appeal to my base, they'll still vote for me!"
Mirror: "Yeah, Todd, you've got the 'angry, stupid old white-guy' vote wrapped up...what about the other 80 percent of the population?"
TA: "Did you forget we live in Missouri?"
Mirror: "Oh yeah, silly me...fuck it, stay in...you'll be a shoo-in!"