After having been forced to watch the "drama" of a mylar balloon floating through the Colorado sky that might (or might not) have contained a small child in it, we now know that it was all manufactured bullshit from start to finish.
The parents (who appeared on a teevee show in the States called 'Wife Swap', and no, it was not the good kind of swapping) were all over the press within seconds of the over-sized silver condom having returned to the welcoming bosom of Mother Earth. That was clue number one that something was amiss. Clue number two was the way the wife just sat there meekly blinking at the cameras as her husband kept on yapping away. Clue number three was the fact that the husband just looks like a weirdo...and clue number four was when the small child that might (or might not) have been in the balloon, comprehensively and quite entertainingly, yarked all over his siblings on national telly the following morning...
Apparently there may be criminal charges in the family's future (hopefully if for nothing else than the father's hairdo which would make even Don King blanch) for 'masterminding' this hoax. Personally I think that would be a little harsh given the circumstances, just make the family pay for the emergency services' grand day out, and then attach the father's genitals to a similar balloon and release him into the atmosphere for the Air Force to use as target practice.
That seems about the right level of punishment for forcing the entire country to watch the wall-to-wall coverage of this bullshit on every single news network (and fox) for what seemed like an eternity last week.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
From the "Y'all ain't gonna believe this" file...
Porcine Pill-Popper, and well known hate-monger, Rush Limbaugh, says he wants to buy the St Louis Rams.
I only have one question:
What will their new uniforms look like?
All-white no doubt, maybe with a burning cross on the side of the helmets?
I only have one question:
What will their new uniforms look like?
All-white no doubt, maybe with a burning cross on the side of the helmets?
Why don't Texans know how to ski?
Answer: Because God didn't make bullshit white.
That has now apparently changed.
No, the Good Lord hasn't descended upon the Lone Star State and, with a wave of His hand, turned the volumnious amount of the aforementioned bovine defecation strewn all over the place by the populace, into an Alpine Paradise. What has happened though, is that someone, or a group of someones, has come up with the brilliant idea of building an indoor ski-slope in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.
Now, as someone that spent a lifetime in Dallas one month, I can tell you that if the heat don't git ya, the humididdy will...So it was with a fair amount of incredulity and a not minute amount of mirth that I read the story of this indoor ski-slope idea. They have figured out that making snow, even indoors, is a non-starter, so they will be using small plastic white chips instead. As a non-skier myself, I cannot speak as to whether this will be an acceptable or even realistic substitute, but what I can tell you is that I am greatly looking forward to the spectacle of a bunch of tobacco-chewing, 10-gallon hat wearing cow-pokes on skis, flying down a man-made mountain in the middle of Texas.
Yee-haw!
That has now apparently changed.
No, the Good Lord hasn't descended upon the Lone Star State and, with a wave of His hand, turned the volumnious amount of the aforementioned bovine defecation strewn all over the place by the populace, into an Alpine Paradise. What has happened though, is that someone, or a group of someones, has come up with the brilliant idea of building an indoor ski-slope in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.
Now, as someone that spent a lifetime in Dallas one month, I can tell you that if the heat don't git ya, the humididdy will...So it was with a fair amount of incredulity and a not minute amount of mirth that I read the story of this indoor ski-slope idea. They have figured out that making snow, even indoors, is a non-starter, so they will be using small plastic white chips instead. As a non-skier myself, I cannot speak as to whether this will be an acceptable or even realistic substitute, but what I can tell you is that I am greatly looking forward to the spectacle of a bunch of tobacco-chewing, 10-gallon hat wearing cow-pokes on skis, flying down a man-made mountain in the middle of Texas.
Yee-haw!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
'Whatever' is the most annoying word in the world...
...So says the Daily Telegraph, in what could be quite possibly the most obvious headline of all time.
Whilst it is true that language evolves much the same as the planet does (sorry creationists but that's just the way it is, you get to keep the fish and loaves story, and we'll keep the evolution one, m'kay?) there could be a very good argument made that the current iteration of the English language is actually devolving, rather than evolving.
In England there is the 'development' of "Estuaryese" which is a very bizarre and alarmingly guttural collection of grunts and "innits" that apparently demand that the speaker miss every single consonant present in any given sentence.
In the States there is "Ebonics", a method by which pasty-faced white-folk get to make fun of the way black people talk, without actually having to don their white robes or set fire to any crosses thereby confirming beyond any shadow of doubt, that they are indeed a bunch of cracker-ass racists.
In both instances the English language has been co-opted, adapted (for better or worse) and popped out the other end as something distinctly different. There are different intonations, different words, different phrases, but they are all English at their root.
Except one. Teenage-Speak.
Teenage-Speak is actually the most insidious of all of the new varieties of English. It is not only designed to enable those that speak it to think that no-one really understands what they're saying, but it is SPECIFICALLY designed to drive the adults that hear it completely out of their minds. Whilst the nasal tonality required in the delivery of this obnoxious verbal assault on the ears is nearly enough just by itself to make you want to gouge out your own eyes, it is the attendant body language that really is the icing on the cake. The lolling of the head from one side to the other, the hands on the hips, the rolling of the eyes, the impatient sighs as if they were speaking to Rain-man's dumber brother, are all part and parcel of this despicable perversion of the Mother Tongue.
It is therefore no real surprise that one of the most over-used words in the Teenage-Speak English language is named as the most annoying word in the world. It was a very close call though, second place runner-up was "like", which, as any teen's parent can verify, is frequently used as verbal punctuation in teenage sentences, or as a way to fill in the embarrassing gap that occurs when the teenage mouth has accidentally over-run the teenage brain, leaving the teenage mouth waiting there for the next inane phrase to come to mind.
So there you have it, 'whatever' is the most annoying word in the world.
Well, like, Duh dude!
Whilst it is true that language evolves much the same as the planet does (sorry creationists but that's just the way it is, you get to keep the fish and loaves story, and we'll keep the evolution one, m'kay?) there could be a very good argument made that the current iteration of the English language is actually devolving, rather than evolving.
In England there is the 'development' of "Estuaryese" which is a very bizarre and alarmingly guttural collection of grunts and "innits" that apparently demand that the speaker miss every single consonant present in any given sentence.
In the States there is "Ebonics", a method by which pasty-faced white-folk get to make fun of the way black people talk, without actually having to don their white robes or set fire to any crosses thereby confirming beyond any shadow of doubt, that they are indeed a bunch of cracker-ass racists.
In both instances the English language has been co-opted, adapted (for better or worse) and popped out the other end as something distinctly different. There are different intonations, different words, different phrases, but they are all English at their root.
Except one. Teenage-Speak.
Teenage-Speak is actually the most insidious of all of the new varieties of English. It is not only designed to enable those that speak it to think that no-one really understands what they're saying, but it is SPECIFICALLY designed to drive the adults that hear it completely out of their minds. Whilst the nasal tonality required in the delivery of this obnoxious verbal assault on the ears is nearly enough just by itself to make you want to gouge out your own eyes, it is the attendant body language that really is the icing on the cake. The lolling of the head from one side to the other, the hands on the hips, the rolling of the eyes, the impatient sighs as if they were speaking to Rain-man's dumber brother, are all part and parcel of this despicable perversion of the Mother Tongue.
It is therefore no real surprise that one of the most over-used words in the Teenage-Speak English language is named as the most annoying word in the world. It was a very close call though, second place runner-up was "like", which, as any teen's parent can verify, is frequently used as verbal punctuation in teenage sentences, or as a way to fill in the embarrassing gap that occurs when the teenage mouth has accidentally over-run the teenage brain, leaving the teenage mouth waiting there for the next inane phrase to come to mind.
So there you have it, 'whatever' is the most annoying word in the world.
Well, like, Duh dude!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Grandpa gets some wood..
Is it just me or is anyone else sick to death of the 'erectile dysfunction' ads that permeate the airwaves 24/7 nowadays?
Those little blue pills may claim to be 'wonder' drugs, but wouldn't cures for other diseases, like, oh, I don't know, cancer or aids be equally as 'wonderful'? In fact, wouldn't eradicating any number of serious diseases be exponentially much more 'wonderful' than giving Grandpa some wood? Seriously, what were the priorities when Big Pharma was working out what to focus on next? Was it boiled down to just two choices, keep people alive, or keep people shagging?
Don't get me wrong, I realize that enabling the septuagenarian set to get jiggy with it has it's up side, after all it keeps a fair number of them off the road, resulting in a significantly reduced number of white-wall tyred 1970 Buick LeSabres to dodge as they wander aimlessly between lanes on the expressway with their left-turn signals permanently blinking, but for Heaven's sake, won't someone think of the rest of us? Just think of the awful visuals it conjures up.
It used to be that the glint in Grandpa's eye as he looked at Grandma at the other end of the dinner table was, "I'm gonna have a double helping of ice cream tonight and there's not a damned thing you can do about it you old goat"...now it means, "if only the family knew what we did on this table right before they showed up today.."
The fact that Grandma just giggles nervously and blushes only makes it worse...
Makes you throw up a little bit in your mouth doesn't it?
Plus, you know things are horribly wrong with the world when it turns out that it was Grandma that ordered the Victoria's Secret catalogue, not Grandpa.
Look, I am all in favour of more folks making love, not war, but Mother Nature slows the whole shagging mechanisms down for a reason. If you've done it right, you already have kids that have grown up, and if you got knocked-up past your 60th birthday, who would raise the resultant offspring? See? Mother Nature is smart that way...But nooooooooooo...Big Pharma decided all by itself to make it possible for the post-mature crowd to bump uglies well past the "Best if used by" date, and the rest of us now have to suffer through these damned ads on the idiot-box at all hours of the day.
I just have one question though, will someone explain to me how bathing in separate tubs in the great outdoors is supposed to make you horny?
Those little blue pills may claim to be 'wonder' drugs, but wouldn't cures for other diseases, like, oh, I don't know, cancer or aids be equally as 'wonderful'? In fact, wouldn't eradicating any number of serious diseases be exponentially much more 'wonderful' than giving Grandpa some wood? Seriously, what were the priorities when Big Pharma was working out what to focus on next? Was it boiled down to just two choices, keep people alive, or keep people shagging?
Don't get me wrong, I realize that enabling the septuagenarian set to get jiggy with it has it's up side, after all it keeps a fair number of them off the road, resulting in a significantly reduced number of white-wall tyred 1970 Buick LeSabres to dodge as they wander aimlessly between lanes on the expressway with their left-turn signals permanently blinking, but for Heaven's sake, won't someone think of the rest of us? Just think of the awful visuals it conjures up.
It used to be that the glint in Grandpa's eye as he looked at Grandma at the other end of the dinner table was, "I'm gonna have a double helping of ice cream tonight and there's not a damned thing you can do about it you old goat"...now it means, "if only the family knew what we did on this table right before they showed up today.."
The fact that Grandma just giggles nervously and blushes only makes it worse...
Makes you throw up a little bit in your mouth doesn't it?
Plus, you know things are horribly wrong with the world when it turns out that it was Grandma that ordered the Victoria's Secret catalogue, not Grandpa.
Look, I am all in favour of more folks making love, not war, but Mother Nature slows the whole shagging mechanisms down for a reason. If you've done it right, you already have kids that have grown up, and if you got knocked-up past your 60th birthday, who would raise the resultant offspring? See? Mother Nature is smart that way...But nooooooooooo...Big Pharma decided all by itself to make it possible for the post-mature crowd to bump uglies well past the "Best if used by" date, and the rest of us now have to suffer through these damned ads on the idiot-box at all hours of the day.
I just have one question though, will someone explain to me how bathing in separate tubs in the great outdoors is supposed to make you horny?
Hello, good evening, and welcome!
No idea if anyone outside of my world of close friends, lunatics and relatives (some are both - a few are all three) will read, or even care that I've done this, but what the hell...
I have no idea how this will turn out, but I hope that some of it amuses you, some makes you think, and some just makes you shake your head and wonder what in the wide world of sports is going on in my ever-cramped cranial cavity...
Here goes!!!
I have no idea how this will turn out, but I hope that some of it amuses you, some makes you think, and some just makes you shake your head and wonder what in the wide world of sports is going on in my ever-cramped cranial cavity...
Here goes!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)